The National Council for the Prevention of Dangerous Activities that Hurt seeks the complete elimination of danger, risk, peril, precariousness, uncertainty, hurt, injury, damage, chaos and sadness from the universe. We understand the ambitiousness of our undertaking (and oddly enough, ambition is a dangerous emotion upon which NCPDATH normally frowns), so we have narrowed the current scope of our activism to a few of what we feel are the most egregious elements of human life. We will eradicate these activities. And when we do, we will set our sights on other dangerous activities that hurt.
Jumping is dangerous and should be regulated by the government. The NCPDATH is actively involved in lobbying Congress and other governmental organizations to enact legislation to prohibit--or at least severely curtail--the right to jump. Children, especially, should be forbidden to jump. We must bring up the new generation in such a way that they will never hurt themselves.
There is perhaps to human activity more inscrutable, dangerous, and potentially hurt-inducing than the practice of bringing filthy, deranged, bloodthirsty...ANIMALS into our very houses. Here they are free to maul us in our sleep, send us into an allergy-induced coma with their insidious dander, or urinate in our coffee when we are not looking! There is nothing cute or cuddly about a pet. Pets are a menace!
NCPDATH endorses no food except that which is bland. The consumption of flavorful foods has been linked with all types of dangerous and erratic behavior. The NCPDATH will not rest until the only food available to everybody in the world is oatmeal. With no maple syrup or brown sugar in it. Or butter. Or habanero peppers.